Killing who you used to be...

It is often that moment when you realise that the person you are becoming is different from who you used to be, and not in way that leaves you fulfilled.

It's a heartbreaking realisation but it is the price of admission you pay for adulthood.

For the price of adulthood I've had to repeatedly sacrifice the sweetness I once had because people take advantage.

For the price of adulthood I've had to restrict that level of enthusiasm I use to have because everyone made me feel like that was out of place for someone like me.

For the price of adulthood I've had to sacrifice the gentle manner I used to have because it is not appropriate for a man.

For the price of adulthood I've gained a large dose of cynicism because people deceive and lie so regularly that you will pay dearly for  accepting something at face value.

For the price of adulthood I've had to learn to protect my heart to the hatefulness of other. To shield myself from those who seek to do me harm for no good logical reason.

For the price of adulthood I've had to watch people hurt each other and all I could do was watch, because sometimes the ways they hurt each other are intangible.

For the price of adulthood, you learn about the grey:
- where black and white blur
- where good and bad aren't defined
- where right and wrong both harm and hurt.

The price of adulthood is costly, but it's a price you have to pay.

It sucks to look at the person you were and the personality traits you love in yourself that no longer have a place in your life, all for the price of adulthood.

I've been watching myself kill off the parts of me that can't exist all for the price of adulthood.

I miss the me I used to be.

Fuck adulthood.



PS - Hope you enjoyed the cool video, I thought it was a great representation of my feelings in this post


Theo. Over and Out.

The Rejection of Voxpops

As a journalist something you frequently have to do, depending on the topic, is voxpops.

I have done countless voxpops, but recently I have come to know what the slang term actually stands for – voice of the people.  It is when you go up to the average Jane or Joe on the street and find out their opinion on a matter.

We’ve done several voxpops on Blessers, #Doekgate, the Public Protector, municipal elections and recently about the Free State. Each gets done for various reasons, either to find out what people think or for research.

They all have purpose...

However, there is a difficulty and anguishing side to voxpops that I really want to talk about, the rejection.

Newspaper journalists have it a bit easier because when they do voxpops, the person just becomes another name in the newspaper. There is no image of the person who said this opinion, especially if the person’s name happens to be John Smith, Kevin Peters or Ashley Johnson. There is a level of anonymity.

As a video based journalist, we don’t have that luxury. You are putting a face to the name and those remarks can be directly attributed to someone. You know who they are because you see their face.

That scares people, and in my experience it happens often.

When your opinion on something is directly attributed to you, you become responsible for those comments, and you need to be confident in your opinion to feel okay with it on camera.

Whenever we (those of us who do video voxpops) go out, it gets roughs, especially when recording it on a phone.

You have to put on your best people person attitude, go out and charm strangers to talk to you. This is particularly difficult if you are not in a good mood, or exhausted. Whatever you feel has to be put aside because you have a job to do.

You have to interrupt (read ambush) people on the street and sweet talk them. If you have anxiety about these things (as I do), it means you have to work yourself up to it, but still even when you do that, you experience constant rejection.

It hurts when you have been sweet talking and charming this person, and they are willing to do it, until you tell them “this will be on camera”. Sometimes you tell them this in the start, and they go off talking, but then when you press record they are like a deer caught in headlights.

Video voxpops have the added dynamic of profiling. You have to get a balance of men and women, then you need to get in various race groups, and then across age (depending on topic).

Many times I have counted people on my hands like:

 “Okay, we have a white woman, an Indian guy, a coloured girl, and a black girl. 

We still need an old white guy, and a black guy.”

Yet, for every person that says yes to you, 2-3 people have said no.

The rejection you experience is worse than when you see a hot person out, and try to flirt with them. In that situation you only experience rejection once or twice depending on how many people you try to flirt with.

For me, and others who endure voxpops, you experience rejection often; by the time you come back to the office, you feel like a lowest form of a human being. It also sucks when you are trying to stop one person to interview and they flat out ignore you; like you don’t even matter.

Every single time you get rejected, you can feel your insides squirm, and you want to shrink, but you just smile and say “Thank you for your time though,”

It is humbling, often humiliating, experience that I encourage everyone to do at one point. Promotions people know a bit of this when you are promoting a item on the streets, and people wish you would disappear.

No matter how often you do it, the rejection still hurts the same, and my goodness is it great for your ego (sarcasm).

It is a very unusual yet common experience.

By the time you get a person to say “Sure” you are near willing to actually kiss them.

I think the level of rejection we experience while doing voxpops is why these days we go in pairs or in a group of three. In that way you get to negotiate with your colleague.

“I got rejected by the last person; it is your turn now.”

You share the pain, and you share the joy. Everyone gets to feel equally humiliated and uplifted.

Such is the life of  a voxpop.

Pretty much what we do when we get back from voxpops

Theo. Over and Out.

The Lion’s Tunes #12

Welcome to another edition of The Lion’s Tunes.

At the suggestion of a close friend, I decided to put my love of music to good use.

She pointed out to me that since I love music and listen to so much of it, I should share what songs I’m currently jamming to at the moment.

I usually tweet or Facebook about what music has got me all caught up and catching feelings, but putting it into one space really allows me to savour the music.

I’m by no means a music expert and I won’t pretend to be. Most of what will be written here is information I’ve learned on the net and just my personal opinions on the songs. So have at it...

·         Song:  Life Itself

Artist: Glass Animals

I can’t even remember how I discovered this band, but honestly it was such a awesome moment when I did. I have featured them before on my music blog post series, but recently the band released new music, and as soon as I saw this I got so excited.

To me their music is very psychedelic pop. It is difficult to really explain, but you have to listen to it for yourself to understand. Their new song “Life Itself” has me feeling goosebumps the very first time I heard it. I was like “oooh, what is this!”

I just like their vibe, and there was a comment on the music video that I found so funny, and had to share:

“While Zaba [previous album] was more slipping into the jungle and losing yourself,

this feels more like you’re exploring the jungle and finding yourself ...”

They have been doing the music video story line thing so I am going to post 3 here also. If you want to find the others then you can find them on the YouTube.

·         Song:  Fake It

Artist: Bastille

The first single for Bastille's fortcoming album, "Good Grief", did nothing for me. I was a bit worried that after their time away, my love and appreciation for the band had dulled. I was scared that I would  fall out of love with them, and when the first track dropped, it was a scary sign that maybe I was right.

Thankfully I wasn't because I am fucking in love with their latest single "Fake It". It is the Bastille I love, and also allows me to really enjoy the vocals of Dan. There is something so wonderful about this song.

I have been murdering the song on repeat. I also noticed that they did a live version of it, and I always love listening to the live versions because it is very telling how much of the artist/band is produced versus talent.

·         Song:  CTRL+ALT+DEL

Artist: Jimmy Nevis, Opposite the Other

My love for songs that come out of those collaboration shows vary. Sometimes I love it, while other time I don't. This song came out of one of those shows where two artists from contrasting genres get together and create a song. It is often done with the purpose of seeing where the process takes them and what sound they come up.

There is a lot more to the story but that doesn't matter as what came out of the process was this really really amazing song that I am loving.

·         Song:  Consideration

Artist: Rihanna ft SZA

While ANTI was released a few weeks before Lemonade, I only got around to listening to the album after.

I had been a little dissuaded by other people’s reviews of the album, and besides I had never really been a big Rihanna fan. I liked her music, but outside of the music, I was not really caught up in her vibe.

Anyway, I finally got around to listening to the album, and while I do feel like Rihanna is due for a break from the music industry, this album is pretty great. She delivered what felt to me like her best vocal performance to date. No one can deny that she put effort and pushed her vocally because that is what she did.

Everyone assumed that because of “Work” she was just going through the motions, but then we all found out that it was actually paying homage to Jamaica and her roots with the pronunciation, and it all made us look at the song differently.

Consideration, is one of my favourites.

·         Song:  Fall Together

Artist: The Temper Trap

Can I just say how happy I am that The Temper Trap released this song??

Over the past year, I have come to realise just how much I actually loved the band. They were the group whose music I always enjoyed, but I just never realised that I was singing along to their music. It took for their previous single “Sweet Disposition” for me to realise how dumb I was being, and I was really dumb because that had been the last single for quite some time from the band.

I was so relieved when I heard on a new music show that they have put out a new song.

The first time I heard it, was the first time I loved it. I have subsequently added it to my favourites and love listening to it in the mornings on the bus to work.

Bonus: This man live is a pitch perfect rendition of the studio track

·         Song:  Particles 

Artist: Ólafur Arnalds ft. Nanna Bryndís Hilmarsdóttir

My dear friend Chelsea and I love the band Of Monsters and Men. Going to their concert in Cape Town was honestly one of the best experiences of my life because I don't think I ever felt so uncontrollably happy. It was a truly special moment.

So my friend Chelsea really really just loves Nanna,who is the lead singer of OMAM. The band looks to all have returned back to Iceland and enjoying some downtime. While back home, Nanna collaborated with a fellow artist. Chelsea introduced me to the song, and I am grateful she did because it gives me goosebumps.

·         Song:  Cool Girl

Artist:  Tove Lo

I was really worried that her new single from her forthcoming album wouldn't be good. The first listen of "Cool Girl" had me on the fence but now I am murdering the new Tove Lo track. She is a artist who sings about the fun and naughty stuff in life that I don't always relate to, but I get who she is and her commitment to her music. That is why I really like her stuff.

Looking forward to her album "Lady Wood" in October.

·         Song:  The Whip

Artist:  PHFAT & Mikhaela Faye

PHFAT is a South African music producer/rapper and his love for Hip-hop has always been clear in his music. I particularly became increasingly aware of the rapper after a collaboration he did with a folk pop South African band. I had previously included it on “The Lion’s Tunes”.

This new song is not usually my kind of thing, but it got to me and I really like it. Good music is good music, and this is definitely it.

·         Song:  Poetic (Norde Remix)

Artist: Seinabo Sey

I heard the original, and thought it was pretty cool. The lyrics were definitely highlighted, and it had a distinct spoken word vibe to it. With the remix, I really like the new direction the song took, giving it different spin, and energy that the original lacked for me.

Seinabo Sey is really talented, and you should go check out her other stuff to get a deeper understanding of her music.

·         Song:  Couldn’t Believe

Artist: Broods

I like this duo. They are increasingly growing on me after being introduced to them by Troye Sivan.  There is something that soothes about this particular song, especially when listening to it at 10PM in bed. It just has a calming effect. There first single “Free” was more upbeat, and I thoroughly liked it, but I also like how different this song is to that.

·         Song:  Take a Chance

Artist: Flume ft Little Dragon

I love how the song isn’t what you think it is. It starts out slow, but it buildings and when it gets into the drop, it took the building and upped the ante of the song. It is a great song to groove to and even to use as a 5 minute track to add to your gym regime if you want to have a song that builds into a sprint and then eases you out to a walk.

I have liked what Flume has been putting out ever since discovering “Never Be Like You”. His other song with Tove Lo (who I adore) is great too if you want to go give it a listen.

Bonus: Innocence ft AlunaGeorge

·         Song:  Into You remix

Artist: Ariana Grande

I first heard this song by one of the interns in the office who said that Ariana’s album is worth a listen, and that this was one of his favourites on it. She also released a music video for it.

The thing that caught me about this song was that there was a difference when listening to it with earphones/headphones and just laying it on speakers. I find that you hear more of the song with earphones/headphones as opposed to it just blaring through the speakers.

I really like the different beat added in to the remix of the song.

Bonus: Side to Side ft Nicki Minaj

·         Song:  Nikes

Artist:  Frank Ocean

By now everyone is aware that Frank Ocean has FINALLY released new music. He was trending for the last month on a regular basis with everyone patiently waiting (nagging) him to get his shit together and release this damn album.

Count us surprised when he not only drops a visual album, ENDLESS, he goes and drops, "Blonde" too and a graphic novel. Safe to say after he id done touring this, we won't see Frank until 2030...

Bonus: Pink+White

He did collab with a Beyonce that had everyone just falling in love with the song, but it is okay if after the first listen you go, "Where was Beyonce on it though?" because that was literally me. I only figured on the second listening that Queen Bey was doing some melodic phrasing and runs on the song.

Frank Ocean is probably one of the few people who could get Beyonce to back him up on a track with no singing.

[No good quality audio video could be found to embed]

·         Song: I Need A Firest Fire ft Bon Iver

Artist: James Blake

James Blake has released a new album, “The Colour in Anything” and I was scrolling down YouTube listening to a few songs and stumbled across a review. It was interesting watching it because it pointed out the transition that has happened with Blake.

He is still doing individualist things with his music, but he has also found more mainstream appeal in recent years. I heard of James Blake a few years back because of a university friend, where I fell in love with his sound "Life Round Here". His stuff was very hipster and fringe, but now it still is still hipster, but mainstream hipster.

He had a few writing credits on Beyonce’s Lemonade even having a collab on her album “Forward” where he featured on the track more than Beyonce. If Beyonce practically gives you a track on her own album, you know that you must be slaying.

I Need A Forest Fire with Bon Iver is my number 1 favourites, but I also love Modern Soul, Radio Silence, Choose Me and Two Men Down.

Bonus: Bon Ive - 22

Theo. Over and Out

Bonus - Throwback James Blake

Discovering my wanderlust...

In the main center in Grahamstown.

I had hoped to write this post sooner, but I have been extremely busy with work.

The Grahamstown’s National Arts Festival rolled into the Cape Times #ElectionsTrek and finally Elections itself. I have very actively lately complaining about how tired I am.

I am actually hoping to take off soon, but besides my complaints, my recently work activities did make me realise how fortunate I am.

I had never been on an aeroplane before until I was selected to go and cover the National Arts Festival in Grahamastown. The whole Arts Fest experience was so amazing and eyes opening, to quote the slogan it was “11 Days of Amazing”.

I won’t recap too much of what I did because I did write a live blog for work which you can find here, but it was a truly wonderful, sometimes stressful experience where I learned a little more about myself.

#Selfie I took this morning at the monument with the lovely #Grahamstown in the background #NAF16 pic.twitter.com/u8WHevGkkp

— The Lion (@thelionmutters) July 1, 2016

It was so great learning about a town that I had never been to, and if you ever want to learn about a town in a short span of time, the Arts Fest is it. You have shows across the town, and it forces you to be a little adventurer.

What I loved most about the whole experience was that it ignited this desire in me to travel more.

I’ve always had this desire to travel, but it did so in a completely different way.

I had only been back in Cape Town for about a week before going away another week-long work trip.

 It was part of the Cape Times’ election coverage where a reporter, a photographer and I travelled to a few of the smaller towns within our province to find out how people felt about elections.

It was enlightening because you are driving to towns, which people usually drive past.

We visited 5 towns in a week, and visiting these smaller towns made me appreciate them. I will never shy away from just stopping into a little town while on a road trip because you can never know what you might learn.

The people I have met through my trips, the stories I’ve heard and the experiences I had are all memories that I will never forget. All of these things have given me a greater insight into the world around me.

A super awesome friend and I are actually tentatively making plans to go on a Euro-tour in about two years, and I cannot wait. Sure I would love to go overseas before then, but I am not above hard work to get myself there.

I will definitely encourage others to explore the area and world around them because you never know what awaits, and for myself, it is something I look forward to exploring further.

Theo. Over and Out

HETEROBORIA – My Neologism

I am not even going to pretend that I am not weird, or a little of an oddball.

As emotionally exhausting, and alienating as that can be a lot of the time, it also gives me wonderful insights into things and allows me to look at situations from a different perspective.

A random strand of this is that I am a very creative person.

A unusual thing happened when I was on social media recently, and I came across someone’s twitter account. I instantly found myself developing a little online crush on someone (which is not the first time this happened) and so I scrolled through their account.

The more I scrolled the more the journalist in me was unleashed, trying to figure out if this person batted for my team - using their pictures and tweets to decide if there was a homosexual undertone to anything they put out.

I instantly became uninterested in this person when my research showed me they were heterosexual.

In my mind, their opinions on an array of subjects was no longer interesting. It lost that dynamic and complex layer of thinking that I had interpreted as being there.

The person just became another cisgender heterosexual male, who I am sure is intelligent, cool and has something that makes them idiosyncratic, but whatever that was I could no longer see it.

Something that made them stand out in my mind, vanished.

It was in that moment this new word pop into my mind – HETEROBORIA.

The word would come from putting the roots of heterosexual (hetero) and bored (bor) together to come up with this word –heteroboria.

Sometime passed and I still thought about this experience. The more I would come across someone on social media who I thought was interesting, would then become less so once I saw that they were heterosexual.

I was being a little tongue-in-cheek and made a picture of this Theo-ism (a theo-ism because my name is Theo and it is something I made up).

Once I did this, I spammed all my friends with my creativity saying “Look at how genius I am at coming up with this NEW word”. 

My friends indulged me, and appreciated how weird I was being, but while chatting with a fellow gay friend, he pointed out that a few days before he had experienced the same type of feeling.

He was having a chat with someone else and in this conversation he had ended up describing the feeling of heteroboria.

Besides feeling validated, I could only just laugh about it.

While this word is probably not going to redefine the use of the English language, and I will probably not receive any awards for it, I can at least appreciate the fact that my unique perspective on this allows me to come up with such eclectic things.

If nothing else comes from this, I can rest contently knowing that I created a word that entertained the loved ones in my life, and made someone smile.

Yours Sincerely,

The Lion Mutters

PS – While I can admit to not have the best grammar, and my spelling isn’t always flawless, it is trippy seeing the number of times the word heterboria was underlined as I typed this. Lol.

Learning about Whiteness and Colourism

Something interesting I have learned in the past year are the subjects of whiteness and colourism; specifically how these words have helped me expand my vocabulary and articulate my feelings around race.

The subject that has captured my mind the most has been whiteness, because it is the ways in which people of colour (like myself) have been told how some of the things white people do, then becomes the standard of greatness.

Like how I made sure I spoke English in this overly enunciated manner so that when white/coloured people regularly told me, "You speak so well", I felt so proud; even when I was saying nothing of importance. This is interesting because no one usually says that of white people.

Like how I ended up wanting to go to one high school because it was seen as the classier school where the white kids went, instead of a closer school that most of the coloured and black kids went.

Like how I would expect my parents (then eventually a single parent mother) to provide me with the things that some of my white friends had, when what I had was already the luxury that they could provide.

Like how growing up on Ricoffy, turned out to be fake coffee because my lower middle class family could never afford filter coffee, and only in high school did I learn that there was this thing called filter coffee.

Like how the media kept pushing this notion of “white beauty” on me to such a degree that it has subconsciously shaped my first instinctive preferences in guys, and beyond that they way my imagination often visualises fictitious characters.

I would stop reading a book when it repeatedly pointed out how “half-Asian” or “dark skinned” a character was, as those character traits would disrupt this image of a white character in my head.

I have had to become aware of all these things and in some cases needed to unlearn these habits, while in other cases I’ve needed to make peace with how I was socialized throughout life.

Racebent Hermione Granger

Colourism is another part of this, as it is something which relates to racism and classism on those within your own racial class. An example being the snide/derogatory comments made about people from a poorer social group when you have exactly the same skin tone.

The only interaction with this I had was when I would judge people of colour for how they would speak English; never mind the fact that English would be their second or third language. As if their manner of speaking English would be a judgement on their intellect.

I haven’t dealt with colourism as much, but learning about this issue, and becoming aware of whiteness (specifically mine) has been a very enlightening part of this year.

The process of learning about these things have been extremely difficult and uncomfortable for myself but by learning more about this, I had found that it has made me more open to learning about the people around me instead of judging them first.

I know that I am still learning, but I am proud of myself for what I have become aware of thus far.

Why am I so desperate for companionship?

This is a question I have been asking myself increasingly over the past few months.

I have always been very cognisant of the fact that as humans it is only natural to seek companionship and partner up. It is something that happens frequently.

There has been numerous scientific research and articles addressing the fact that as humans it is natural for us to seek out companions – be it for reproductive purpose or just the need for affection.

It is just what makes us human.

Seeing as I cannot use the reproduction argument in my case, it then leaves the need for affection option, which then forces me to ask, why am I so desperate for affection?

Is it because it is just “basic human needs” or does it come from the issue that I cannot handle being alone?

I would like to think that I have had enough time to discover if my constant desire for companionship is instead pointing to something deeper, and in all honesty, I cannot deny that it might.

A part of me wonders if it maybe has to do with my daddy issues – i.e. absent father who made me feel unappreciated and like a burden, which then lead to my Mom being forced to step in... Basically the same old sob story. But the thought is there - maybe my search for love from a partner is because I lacked the feeling of love from him.

This theory has also been used in the “are you gay because you lacked a strong male figure in your life” argument – which in my case is not true because my grandfather was there for me, and stepdad, and I was already sure the signs of my gayness were there by the time I was in Grade 3.

Funnily enough, on my birthday last year, some stranger actually sent me a message which I will post:

I was upset after reading this because, who gave this stranger the right to force their psychoanalysis on me especially when I didn’t ask for it. Like seriously? Thanks for the input in my life but no one asked you.

It did have me thinking - to which I realised that I am honestly past the point of seeking approval from someone in my life who was only there when his conscience reminded him of his other son.

(Listen, I have blame in that relationship too because I have brother who I have zero relationship with because of all of this, and that is an unfortunate consequence of our actions.)

So maybe that need for companionship comes from this, but there is an alternate theory that I feel is more appropriate.

Maybe I am just one of those people who are driven by their desire to make someone else happy?

Maybe it is not even about me exactly, but more about a desire to fulfill the needs of another person - treating them with compassion, kindness and love.

There is a vast difference between platonic love versus romantic love, and maybe I want to experience that with a person.

Or maybe it could be because I don’t want to wind up a miserable old man with no one to love him?

Or I am looking for a warm roll to stick my sausage in? (I doubt it is purely this reason).

But regardless, there are all things to think about.

Though, it should be said that I have only had two sexual partners over the span of four years which is equal to the amount of relationships I have had. Also, I am not seeking for love by bed hopping to someone else so there is no promiscuous behaviour happening.

[Not that promiscuity is related to this, some people just like having a lot of sex, and power to them for that. No judgement/slut or man-whore shaming here, just a stating that I don’t do the sleeping around because it is just not me.

Interesting enough, I find that I am getting criticised for not being able to sleep around. People have been telling me to ease up, and not be so intense. Sometimes all you want is just to screw someone for a night and that I should be into doing that; especially because as a gay man, I should be all about the excessive sex, BUT I am just not into that.]

I recently told someone that I would love a relationship but I am not going to force it.

As much as being alone and single is driving me crazy at the moment, it is still a remark that I believe to be true. I will not repeat the mistake of rushing into a relationship for the sake of having one because I am only shooting myself in the foot and sabotaging myself.

For now, I am just going to let my life figure itself out, because it is not like I have 500 things going on (sarcasm), so the chips will have to fall where they may.

 “Que Sera, Sera. Whatever will be, will be, the future of live is free, que sera sera”

Theo. Over and Out.

PS – This post doesn’t really contribute towards any great epiphany but I like reflecting on myself and my behaviours because if I cannot examine my own issues/faults/flaws/tendencies then how am I to grow? I won’t deny that it does leave me vulnerable and open to people who might exploit it, but I think I have enough self-preservation to know how to deal with those people.

PPS – I have come to learn a lot about rape culture and will concede that leaving my female friend to wait alone wasn’t the best idea, but I was younger then and didn’t have the insight I do now.

The Racist Interns

"Hello from the other side!!!"

That title is very misleading, because this has nothing to do with racist interns but rather the interns from the anti-racism campaign, “Racism Stops With Me” that my employer is running.

I’ve taken to calling them the racist interns because it’s shorter, easier and a little provocative if I am being honest. Of course everyone in the office gets a bit on edge when I call them the racist interns but it comes from a place mischievousness and affection.

It has been interesting having so many new interns in the office.

"Ooh child, can you not touch my jacket"

In January there was just a colleague, our team leader and I in our division, and then in February our team leader went on a 3 month course and it was just the two of us, followed by then in March when my colleague broke his hand and it essentially put him out for the whole month.

To save you a large rambling “woe is me” bit, things were rough and I was in a very dark overwhelming place (still in a dark place but that is more due to my emotional state than work). I don’t know how I survived March but I did.

So, things have been interesting time when contrasting how we are now with 4 permanent staffers in our office with 7 interns, and the number of people in our office is still set to grow. We’ve even needed to move out of our office.

Needless to say, things have drastically changed and there are quite a few people now.

What has been interesting and playing on my mind a lot is how I have reacted to all of this.

I was an intern myself up until the end of March and then became a permanent employee, and now I work in an office with interns. They joined us at the start of May, but it has been a very interesting few weeks since they came into the office.

There are so many personalities to get used to, and questions asked, things to be managed, and work that still needs to be done while all of us are still learning and finding out about each other.

Getting things turnt after work. We were hanging the next day.

The thing that has me a bit worried about myself is how motherly I’ve been around the interns. Yes, you read that right. I used the word motherly.

Working with the new interns has been great, I only call them interns because it is a collective term that makes it easier to refer to them than naming all of them (which props to myself, is something I can do because I made sure to learn their names within a day or two).

It feels nice to be in a place where you can share information and skills with each other. Part of the fun is how much I have learned from them as well, but something that I am trying to keep in check and from getting too out of hand is how motherly I have been with them.

I want them to succeed and do their very best. It won’t be easy because I know how it felt a year ago to be a position where you are doing things that you are still adjusting too and it can all be daunting. I want for them to feel appreciated and that that they are working in an environment they can enjoy.

The issue however, which is something I have to be mindful of, is being overbearing.

I can be very intense. I have that type of personality where I can be very intense, but it doesn’t always come out in typical ways. With the interns I feel like I am constantly checking on “if they are okay” and if they need help with anything.

These fools always on that "dropping the hottest mixtape" pose

I have over the past few days been easing up on it, and letting them do their own thing and hoping that instead they will come to me when the need my help, but that has made me worried that they might feel like I am distancing myself from them and that I have no interest in helping them.

I have been learning about myself, and I think that as exhausting as my self-awareness of my behaviour can be, it’s also advantageous. It certainly feels that way in this case.

My boss just gave us a talking to about this and actually pointed out that they will learn things in time. We can't baby them, because in all honesty, no one babied us.

We learned by trial and error.

I think I will ease up on the motherly thing quick enough without being too distanced and nonchalant, while also avoiding being overbearing.

I think what will be important for me to focus on will be remembering what I was doing and guide them along the way; but doing so in a way that that is beneficial for them and helping their own growth.

Also, before I lose perspective - I HAVE MY OWN WORK TO DO. Like duh.

But all thing considered, I am sure they won’t be the only one to grow from the experience.

Theo. Over and Out.

I surprised this guy with this photo. He was not impressed.
Sorry Balo.

PS - These are just some of the interns, not all. There wasn't enough space.

Some days I want to resign from being gay

I struggle with the gay thing.

For the most part everything is fine, but then I find myself in a depressive slump because I can’t even deal with it.

I came from a pretty religious background and the indoctrination of “being gay will lead to hell” certainly pulled number on me – not helped by the fact that it is still widely preached about.

I even had like a 4 week counselling stint once upon a moon to help me with making the transition manageable and it helped but...still the same ghost is keeping me awake.

The thing that also kills off more pieces of my soul is that people would believe that I would “choose” to be gay.

Yes, I chose to be different because I was so bored that I thought – “Mmm, let’s be gay”.

I chose to put myself in a position where people bash on me for my “lifestyle”.

I chose to get that disappointing look from my mother whenever she remembers that her son is gay.

I chose to make things very difficult for myself because it was what I wanted.

Yes, I chose to feel like this.

-Sigh-  

It’s this constant othering that you have to put up with and even with the most liberal of people you can still feel at odd. You become the “gay” person, and lose your individual identity.

When people are talking about romances, it becomes this “thing” when in an ideal situation it wouldn’t be a thing. It’s this constant source of distress at times because once people latch on it then it in many ways can become their main identifier for you.

I often find myself in that “is there a switch” or the “can I just give back the gay gene” state of mind because I am just fed up with all the alienation that comes with it.

I even entertain the idea of dating a girl, which wouldn’t be a bad idea, except for the fact that I would be in a relationship with someone I don’t truly love and then also putting a lovely woman into a loveless marriage – which would not be fair because everyone deserves better than that.

I’ve heard the whole “it gets better” speech and while I don’t always find myself believing it, I still preach it because there are so many others who kill themselves just for being different. So many great young and beautiful minds are lost because of something that cannot be changed.

Others then have said, “you need to make more gay friends” and while that may be true, I still feel like a odd man out there because then it is my neurotic personality that puts me in contrast.

Things are never A + B = C.

It is rather a process of why does the “A” feel like a “A”? How did the “A” get to the point where he it felt comfortable with being “A” and who said you can add “B” to get “C”? And, what does “C” mean?

Things that can seem simple to people, are not so simple for others.

I don’t try to be difficult or feel the way I do, it is just that I feel an overwhelming amount.

Maybe it is the: Growing up as a sensitive kid + the wanting do my best + the single parent mom wanting to provide + daddy issues + the angst that came with needing to be there when things fell apart + the gay thing and all its drama = A functioning neurotic gay mess.

Being gay just happens to be the thing exhausting me today.

Hopefully there will be a time in my life when I won’t feel like it is but until that day I can just do the best that I can and soldier on.

Theo. Over and Out.

PS: I feel like I need to honestly consider therapy/counselling. I have been thinking about it over the past few months, but it seems like it wouldn’t be the worst thing ever.

The Dark Knight amongst the Walking Dead

Demonsee

Chapter 1:

Dear Bruce


Everyone thought they would be safe in Gotham.


They thought that the disease would be easy to contain, but they didn’t account for the mutation it triggered.


In the first 100 days after the outbreak, 40% of the Earth’s population had succumbed to the disease. The next 5 days was when it all went to shit. Everyone thought that the disease was just killing everyone, but it was doing something worse.


It had been silently mutating within the dead bodies waiting for something...and when that something happened, that was when the zombies awoke.


The disease had initially started with a loss of feeling, the vomiting and cold sweats, and then finally coughing up blood BUT after their resurrection, the deceased had become zombies.


Zombies who were hungry; it was a hunger for human flesh and blood that could never be fully sated.


Gotham has been the last resistance...or at least it was.


No one heard anything over the radios for the last 20 days, and if that tells us anything, it is that everyone is dead or a walking dead.

We are on day 500 since the outbreak started. Almost everyone is dead or waiting for their death...


It’s a kill or be killed world out there.


We tried our best to protect you, and it hasn’t been easy. After the last attack on the hospital we know that we needed to go.


Switching off your life support would have been the best thing to do but we are not murderers. If you ever get wake up from your coma and get this message, I just want you know that we had no choice, we had to leave you behind for your own safety.


We stashed away clothes and weapons in a box for you in the basement.


A katana, a sawed-off shotgun, canned food (that will probably be days away from expiring), rope and the last of the grenades and ammunition that we had. Don’t use the live weapons unless you have to. It draws attention and every damn monster within range will desperately come searching for you...so make sure you have an escape plan.


Don’t trust anyone...even someone humans.


If you want to survive you will have to do what you have to do. It won’t be pretty, but it will be necessary.


Remember, the best way to kill a zombie is with the katana, and if you do use the gun- double tap those bitches straight in the head.


By the time you get this message, you could be the last one left.


For your sake, I hope not.


Try your best to stay alive...if you aren’t dead already.



R.


November 28 2014

Chapter 2:

Bruce couldn’t believe what he had just read.


He had to read the letter from Robin 5 times to make any sense of it.


What had happened to the world while he was unconscious? It looked like shit hit the fan, and now it was up to each person to survive this post-apocalyptic shit that awaited him out there.


His throat felt dry and his legs felt weak.


He tried his best to stand up, but when he did, he fell to the ground.

He had no clue how many days or weeks he had been out for, but given how dead his legs felt, it must have been almost years.


There was no way he should have been alive.


Bruce realised that Robin and whoever the “we” was that he was referring to must have done the impossible to keep him going for so long; especially if everything was constantly stacked against them. For them to have protected him for 500 days instead of giving up was no small feat.


Bruce wasn’t even sure if he would have been able to be there for them, like they were for him.


“By the time you get this message, you could be the last one left.

For your sake, I hope not."


For Robin to say something like that meant was unusual. He was always the optimist, but this new world order must have changed the man in ways that he could never have anticipated. Hopefully, he could see the kid one day...


Bruce erased the thought; given the state of the world, he wasn’t sure if it was a smart idea to carry such a belief around with him. He would need to use his wits and determination, hope would do nothing but be a distraction.


Eventually after resting for long enough, Bruce summoned as much energy as he could to move his legs. It hurt like a bitch, but he knew that he all he knew was that he had to get to the basement, to get to the supplies that they have left him.


Hopefully the canned food would be something edible and not all foul.


Whatever awaited him outside these hospital walls, he was not going to give in that easily or go down without a fight. He had endured going up against fucking Ra’s al Ghul, and being stuck in that pit being left to die.


It would take a lot more than a temporary coma and zombie apocalypse to keep him down.


One way or another, he would make it.

Chapter 3:

Dear Bruce



I guess by now you must have a lot of questions.


If you are reading this then you are probably doing what we all expected you would...trying to be the hero of Gotham.


Alfred of course would not give up on you...he never does.

I wasn’t so sure you would make it but if I am being honest, I am glad you did.


One would think that with the world going to shit, your enemies would have at least given us a break.


I mean, the world just went to hell anyway...


But I guess expecting the Joker not to blow you and the Wayne Mansion up would have been asking for too much from the man psycho...


He is clearly obsessed with you.


We managed to make it out of the house through the caves, but unfortunately when a beam fell down of you, because of the fire, it knocked down pretty badly. You lost a lot of blood and kept slipping in and out of consciousness until soon you just slept and no matter what we tried you would not wake up.


You were alive...but comatose.


Seeing you defenceless scared us all, but we had to pull it together otherwise we would have died.


I am sorry that you have to do his all alone Bruce.


I wish I could be there to explain and help you but this is the last message you will receive from me. I only had the time to write the two letters and stash them before it was too late.


Maybe if we’re lucky, we’ll see each other again...but I wouldn’t get my hopes up.


Luck is not on our side.


All the best Bruce.


R.


November 28 2014

Chapter 4:

Bruce had to go back to the cave... the supplies they left him with were useable but basic.


He knew they wanted him to survive and make it out, but he needed more.


If he was going to survive this apocalyptic Gotham, he needed to have as much of his gear as possible, and the only place that he could find all of that is the cave.


Getting into the Wayne Mansion was impossible, the fire had decimated the entire top floor of what used to be his family home, and the entrance to the Batcave was littered with these zombies.


Bruce almost didn’t make it...he realised the stupidity in going back, but he had to return and see what was left.


It’s the only true place that was home...


...that he knew as home.


Everything has been trashed or emptied out.


Given the state of some of the stores along the road to the Wayne Mansion, he saw that the people became desperate after what happened and started ransacking homes for supplies. Almost all of the food they stock piled for emergencies was gone and all the weapons are too.


Bruce breathed a big sigh of relief when he saw that the secret stash he kept within the cave was still save.


He immediately was thankful given how useful they would be to fight of these zombies but then something unexpected caught his eye. It was the last thing he would have thought to find there - Alfred’s present.


Bruce should have expected that the old man would know about his secret spot.


Alfred knew all of the man’s secrets...even those Bruce would never risk telling him about.


He didn’t want to admit it, but seeing the old Batsuit did bring a smile to his face...but that was nothing compared to the note that Alfred left.


However, the smile quickly faded when he realised that it might be the last thing ever left by the man who raised him.

Chapter 5:

Of course Bruce was going to read it.


It was from Alfred for damn sake –

“Master Wayne. 

I hope you never read this note, but if you are, you need to run. He expects you would come back...that you would come back to the one place he knew he would be able to kill you.

If you are reading this note, you need to leave Gotham...

You need to get out NOW.

Don’t let him win.

- Alfred.”

“Don’t let him win?” Bruce muttered.


He couldn’t help but find the last sentence Alfred wrote seared into his mind.


Don’t let WHO win.

Chapter 6:

If it hadn’t been for the alarm system pulling him from the letter, Bruce might not have had enough warning from the siren to prepare.


The door to the Batcave broke down seconds later and what he saw was...


...something that he didn’t even know how to put into words.


Never in a million years did Bruce think that he would find Riddler, Penguin, Two Face and Poison Ivy working together...but that wasn’t exactly it.


They were all suffering from this disease...murmuring the same guttural sound over and over.


Even in an apocalypse, the crazies will always find the other crazies... he should not have been surprised.


They moved quickly, covered a lot of ground after getting through the door, if there was anything he learned just from the couple of seconds from looking at them, it is that these zombies were not to be messed with.


Even with the disease ravaging their bodies, having them feast on human flesh, and chunks of their own flesh decaying, it was their inability to feel pain that did not stop them... in actuality, it made them more dangerous.


He analysed everything; figuring the best way out of the situation.


There was not enough time to get to the Batmobile, and he wasn’t even sure there was enough gas in there to get him out. It would have been too risky...


Bruce knew what he had to do, and as risky as it was, there was no other option.


He initiated the shut down sequence, that would trigger the bombs and permanently close the Batcave, as he grabbed the nearest weapon that he could.


If Bruce Wayne didn’t make it out in the next four minutes, he would be trapped with those crazies and that would certainly be guaranteeing his demise.

Chapter 7:

It was a close call but he made it....


He managed to maim a lot of those freaks, and came close to becoming one of them when Two Face almost bit into him. He managed to push off the freak just in time by giving him an electrical jolt using exposed wires.


Something like that would have killed a usual man, but Bruce had quickly discovered that these zombies are far from the usual. The damn freak got up seconds later, as if he had been merely stunned.


He had to trap and fight off a lot of them, but after much struggle, he managed to do it with the katana. He got out with a few seconds to spare as the Batcave exploded, leaving all of those crazies to whatever fate awaited them inside.


He would had killed them like Robin’s letter suggested but he couldn’t do it. He didn’t know why...


Bruce shook the thought from his mind, and tried moving with his new gear but then he found himself facing a new terror.


He thought that he had made it out of the worst, but he was wrong.


Bruce Wayne heard the one thing that made the hair on the back of his neck stand up...


...the one sound that forced him not to mistake it’s meaning.


A laugh so haunting, it had no humour in it, only complete horror...


Joker’s.


“You know,” a voice echoed, “even though they are no longer people, poor old Bats still can’t kill them. You had to blow the entrance to keep your old friends inside. How honourable of you...I would be so touched, if I wasn’t about to puke in my mouth.”


Expecting the one person who should be dead, to have contracted the fucking disease killing everyone, would have been asking for too much.


Of course he would have survived.


He is a cockroach, and those things survive everything...even an apocalypse.


“What do you want Joker?” Bruce shouted, scouting for the first sign of his presence.


“To give you a little present,” the voice laughed manically.


“I know better than to accept presents from psychos,” he replied. “Give it to someone who cares.”


“You know exactly what to say to warm up my heart Bats,” the voice laughed.


Bruce managed to quiet his thudding heart just in time to hear the sound of a bomb being armed nearby. He managed to jump out of the way of the explosion’s radius just in time to avoid any injury. Getting cover from behind an abandoned car he dived behind...


“Bats?” The voice smirks.


Bruce tried his best to move closer to the sound of the voice, keeping the sawed-off shotgun in his hand.


“Bats? The voice repeated. “I know better than to assume a little old kaboom will put you out for good.”


Edging slowly around the car, Bruce moved from one car to another without being detected; eventually spotting the Joker when his curiosity got the better of him, and forced him to reveal his location.


The more he came out in search for Bruce, the faster he moved - trying his best to reach the Joker and catch him off guard.


“Now now Bats,” he said stepping closer to where the bomb had gone off, “don’t be cruel...I have missed you and you are not showing the right appreciation for my present.”


Bruce quickly snuck up behind him, placing the gun to the back of his head.


“How many times do I have to tell you that I don’t want a present from you?”


“I knew you weren’t dead,” The Joker spun around to face him, giggling wildly, “you like to toy with me don’t you Bats.”


“What are you doing here?” Bruce grunted.


“I wanted to check in, find out how you are doing...you know, just check in on my buddy.”


“I am not your buddy,” he growled, “and never will be.”


“How can you say that when I got you this present?” the Joker replies, extending out his hands to the area around them.


“You are starting to sound like Riddler...” Bruce voiced. “Just spit it out.”


“That’s just mean,” Joker smirked, “and I mean the zombies silly Bats...”


“You… you did this?”


“For you,” Joker laughed, “this virus was my ways of showing you just what we humans are. We are all just zombies, never fully able to quench that hunger for humanity, and going through life in sleep mode.”


“You’re crazy...”


“I’m a visionary,” he growled viciously. “There is a difference...cause now everyone is like you and me. Living life to the fullest.”


“I should end this right now,” Bruce shout, prodding the rifle against his head.


“You could,” he smiles, “but you won’t...because I know something about your precious little Alfred.”


Bruce felt his heart sink at the mention of Alfred.


“What have you done with him Joker?” Bruce questioned, aiming next to his ear as he pulled the trigger.


“Why’d you do that for?” Joker yelled. “That was my good ear.”


“You will endure a lot worse than losing your hearing if you keep testing me Joker,” Bruce yelled. “Where is Alfred?”


“You really need to relax more Bats,” he smiled. “Maybe I should get Alfred to help with that.”


“Where is he Joker?” Bruce fired his weapon between the Joker’s leg. He missed the Joker’s right leg by millimetres.


“Have a look for yourself,” Joker laughed as he pointed to a nearby backseat car window. “Sheesh.”


Bruce knew better than to fully turn his back to the madman, so he kept an eye on the Joker as he slowly made his way to the window.


What he saw made his stomach turn, it was a beast attacking a young girl.


Actually, it was a man that looked like a beast...


It took him a while, but he eventually came to recognise the beast as Alfred.


Of rather, that it used to be Alfred.


“What have you done???” Bruce growled.


“I knew that you would like my present,” he laughed uncontrollably. “I did it for you.”


Bruce was caught off guard when the Joker pulled out a gun and shot out the closed backseat window.


It didn’t take long for Alfred the beast to catch the scent of Bruce’s flesh, and soon enough it was crawling out of the car window.


He would have made the Joker pay but had no time because the Beast was on top of him, knocking the weapon out of his hand as it was chomping at the bit to get a taste for his flesh.


Bruce was going to die if he did nothing...so he did the only thing that he could.


He had no choice but to kill him...


Kill the only person who truly cared for him after his parents had died.


The one who put up with all his tantrums and endured the anguish of what Bruce put him through.


The one man who ever truly knew him.


Bruce quickly clawed at the shotgun with all his strength, and did what he had to do.


Kill the man who loved him like he had been his own son.


For the next minute, Bruce Wayne could nothing but stare at what he had done.


Eventually, reality set in and by the time he had realised what he had done, the Joker was gone.


All that was heard was the sound of his laughter echoing for miles.


It was the only sound Bruce heard as he wondered why the Joker had left him alive and what he was after.


Soon enough, his laugh was the only thing that Bruce could hear and he knew that he had discovered a new purpose.


What now motivated Bruce Wayne to keep going, was the goal of bringing that annoying maniacal laugh to a permanent end.


Joker would pay, and he would pay with his life.

END.